But as each day pass by, I fail every damn time. It's sad and embarrassing to admit how lazy I've become, how unmotivated and boring my life is. I've started noticing disappointment in my parents' eyes and I feel like a total failure. There's nothing worse than having your loved ones lose their belief in you. It makes you feel like crap and you realize how terrible and awful you've become.
I want to change, I really do. I need to lose more than a few pounds, feel more confident in myself and apply to a new job. I want to be happy with myself. I want to go out and not feel like the ugliest girl in the group. I want guys to check me out and talk to me. I want attention, as shameful as it is to admit. I want to feel like a young woman.
I've told myself countless times that I am going to change, to show everyone how I can do it. How I can become someone. My sisters both do it in a seamless manner, hell even my old fashioned dad whose too stubborn to know better, has more motivation than I do.
The worst thing is that I feel unattractive. No matter how many new clothes I buy, or how much makeup I've invested in, or how fashionable I've become. I feel ugly. It's something so virile, so dark inside that it suffocates me from the inside. I cannot look at the mirror and smile at the woman staring right back at me.
I wish I was 15 again. I wish I could go back in time and change things that I was too stupid to notice what big mistakes they were. If only I'd listened to my mother then, if only I'd look past the computer that was glued to me and start looking around me. If only...
This isn't a letter that I am writing towards my steps of changing. This is just something that I've been feeling for a while now, something that had been heavy on my shoulders. I just wish I had enough will power and determination to do something about it.
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